Planes, Trains and Big Wains!

By Eamon Sweeny

Various parties have taken it upon themselves to bring their election messages directly to us in a mixture of modes of transport.

Foremost amongst of these of course is the DUP ``battlebus'', sporting a #400 number plate bearing V 123 DUP. This is of course designed to remind us that we should vote 1, 2 and 3 for the DUP. So that's proportional representation by D'Hondt and presumbably engine by Vauxhall. Given the DUP leaders religious leanings we can only presume the bus tyres are the sleek new sulphur based brimstone hellfires, made by Firestone of course. Apparently these were chosen over the Pirelli models because of the overtly ``Roman'' associations.

Although, denying Italian involvement in the manufacture of Peter Robinson's suits may prove a more difficult matter entirely. More importantly were the suits paid for in Euros I wonder? Yet Peter the Euro does not have the same ring to it as Peter the Punt. (Note to the typesetter, do not make any mistakes here for God's sake!)

Jane Maurice of the Women's Coalition has taken to the roads in a Morris Minor. In a devilishly clever play on her name and the name of the car, Jane has beguiled us, together with the luminous party posters a la Andy Warhol. It was Warhol who prophesised about everyone having their fifteen minutes of fame. I still have no idea about the policies of the Women's Coalition, but I have come to realise that fifteen minutes can be a very long time indeed. And this was after someone reminded me that the party political broadcasts only actually last five minutes.

SDLP leader Mark Durkan did not appear to fussed about his method of transport at all. But then again Mark never seems to arrive at any decisive point anyway. Rather he chose to mount an elevated cherry picker platform to deliver a pre-election speech. This is at last conclusive proof that the charismatically challenged one is not half the man his predecessor John Hume was. Hume never needed to get on a cherry picker to deliver pearls of political wisdom as his ego alone was enough to ensure he gazed down upon us all equally from a great height.

As for that other Derry based candidate Eamon McCann, it is rumoured that he will take to the hustings via the great waterways of our fair statelet. Eager as always to present an ecologically friendly front, a spokesman for McCann's umbrella political vehicle, the Socialist Environmental Alliance, contended that no boat will be required to facilitate travelling, as Eamon can walk on water!

So to the ``Simply British'' party the UUP. The latest in their series of spectacularly backfiring posters was unveiled this week.

This was a red coloured Mini car sporting a Union Jack roof.

It has since been pointed out to the UUP that the Mini was originally designed by a Turk and is now manufactured in Germany. Now is that ``Simply British'' or just plain old simple?

If I were a UUP officer I would start investigating the notion of an IRA spy ring at their advertising agency, before ``Simply British'' becomes an epilogue as opposed to a current slogan and Trimble ends up selling his fish and chips from the back of the Mini to make ends meet. I would be tempted to swap a winning lottery ticket to see that fantasy become reality.

The bleak outlook of the PUP's party political video reveals a wasteland in East Belfast. No transport theme here at all, except the burnt out shells of cars that smoulder in the streets below the now rusting shipyard cranes Samson and Goliath. There is no substance to the allegation however that when the filming for the video was over Ervine got into his second hand Jaguar and got the hell out of the area. The ``Jag''was supposed to have one previous not so very careful owner. It was some guy called John White, who had to leave Belfast very quickly this summer and who now appears to favour travelling on Irish ferries with a large entourage for company instead of the four wheeled method of transport.

Ok, that's it. I think I have given everyone that matters an equal lacing. What's that you say? I have forgotten about The Alliance Party. Listen here, I said everyone that matters!

Urgent Appeal