Christmas movies and millennial humbug
BY MARTIN SPAIN
Welcome to An Phoblacht's annual and highly selective trawl through
some of the best and worst of this year's festive TV movie offerings.
A quick word of warning. This reviewer harbours a blatant bias towards
the Christmas celebrations at this time of year at the expense of all
that pointless mularkey about the New Year, not to mention the
so-called millennium. Readers are advised that the tone of the
commentary may reflect this bias. Anyway, onwards!
Wednesday 22 December
As a kid, I used to like the Sunday World, because it had the best
cartoons. Some would say the whole paper is now a comic, but one of
the strips that I liked then was The Phantom. The 1996 movie of the
same name (BBC1, 7pm) starring Billy Zane is harmless enough fantasy
hokum that will keep the kids quiet. Fans of Billy Zane and Catherine
Zeta-Jones apart, it doesn't do much to engage an adult audience,
though.
Earlier in the afternoon, there is classic drama (BBC2 3pm) as the
ever suave Gregory Peck gives an Oscar-winning performance in the 1962
version of the Harper Lee classic, To Kill a Mockingbird.
That night, Steve Martin and Diane Keaton are stranded in Father of
the Bride II (RTE1 9.30pm), a really weak sequel to a remake. Give me
Spencer Tracy's version any day. The film of the night has to be
Jingle All the Way (UTV, 8pm. Also RTE1, 24 December, 7.45pm) starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger, which I have not seen, but is supposed to be a
real dog. It is seasonal, however, for those who need a Santy fix to
get in the mood.
Thursday 23 December
The 1986 movie Critters (Channel 4, 11.05pm) is classic comic sci-fi
hokum, the stars being the foot-tall obnoxious special effects
creatures who eat everything in sight, including people.
For night owls, the 1983 romantic thriller, Breathless, starring
Richard Gere (UTV, 12.50am) is surprisingly engrossing entertainment
for grown ups.
Christmas Eve
Dudley Moore is one of those actors I could cheerfully have gone
through life without ever hearing of, but the kids should enjoy Santa
Claus - The Movie anyway (BBC1, 10.45am). Much better value for money
is Jim Henson's 1992 classic, The Muppet Christmas Carol (UTV,
2.50pm), which has just one human character. The Great Gonzo takes on
the role of Charles Dickens and Michael Caine plays Scrooge alongside
Kermit, Miss Piggy and the rest. Less festive but still Muppet is
Muppet Treasure Island (RTE1, 3.50pm). This time, Billy Connolly and
Tim Curry get to ham it up with Miss Piggy and pals.
Our national station chooses to dust off Ben Hur for yet another year
(RTE1, 1.15pm). Only for fans of the gun-loving Charlton Heston, whose
political views fall somewhere to the right of the pre-vegetatite
Ronald Reagan.
The 1969 comedy masterpiece, Some Like It Hot, is the evening must-see
(BBC2, 6.10pm) starring Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.
Cross-dressing has never been so much fun.
entirely different mood permeates the 1962 thriller Cape Fear,
(BBC2, 11.50pm) starring one of my all-time favourites, Robert
Mitchum, as the cunning psychopath who, on his release from prison,
terrorises lawyer Gregory Peck and his family. This is a far stronger
and more frightening movie than the 1990s remake starring Robert De
Niro and Nick Nolte.
Christmas Day
dre, the story of a New England girl's attachment to an orphaned
seal, (Channel 4, 9.30am) is sweet, heartwarming, and has great
scenery. Kids will love it, but it might be as well to tape it for
later, as at this hour they are unlikely to be watching TV. More
probably, they'll be ripping wrapping paper, ruining your lie-in and
asking you to assemble things, how many carrots you think Rudolph
actually ate last night and why Santy didn't leave batteries for the
expensive thingumyjig.
The Disney favourite, Pinnocchio (UTV, 12.05pm) has aged like a good
wine, while 1954's White Christmas (BBC2, 3.15pm) with Bing Crosby and
Danny Kaye will appeal to those who like to wallow in the sleighbells
and holly experience. The 1996 live version of 101 Dalmations,
starring Glenn Close as the evil Cruella De Ville, is the main
offering of the national station (RTE1, 3.50pm).
I haven't seen Jumanji (BBC1, 4pm), but the trailers for this Robin
Williams-led fantasy romp about people getting sucked into a strange
board game looked like a lot of fun and seems to involve a lot of
rampaging wildlife.
The Oscar-winning drama The Piano (8.15pm), starring Holly Hunter and
Harvey Kietel, is TG4's major Christmas Day offering. Further adult
entertainment (BBC2, 8.30pm) is provided by Il Postino, a
gently-moving drama about an Italian postman and the exiled Chilean
communist poet with whom he strikes up a friendship. The big movie of
the day, however, is Neil Jordan's Michael Collins (RTE1, 9.05pm),
starring Liam Neeson as the Big Fella and featuring a host of
top-notch Irish talent, including Aidan Quinn as Harry Boland. Rows
about historical accuracy aside, this is a great movie, full of pace
and excitement.
St Stephens' Day
Pinnochio afficionados can catch another version of the fairytale in
the 1996 live-action version of the story, starring Martin Landau as
Gepetto. I saw this a few years back and really enjoyed it.
Children and adults will enjoy Matilda (BBC1, 2.45pm), the 1996
version of Roald Dahl's dark comedy about a girl with magic powers who
gets her own back on some nasty adults, including Danny DeVito and
Rhea Perlman.
The Wizard of Oz continues RTE's policy of resurrecting annual fare
(RTE1, 1.30pm). The same station inflicts Spice World on us at 6.55pm.
starring Sporty, Ginger and the rest in a triumph of hype over
quality.
Blockbuster evening action doesn't come much more effects-packed than
Mission: Impossible (BBC1, 9pm), although I was disappointed with the
storyline of this Tom Cruise vehicle. For those who prefer romantic to
frantic, The English Patient (RTE1, 9.20pm) the 1996 tear-jerking
romantic drama starring Ralph Fiennes and Kristen Scott-Thomas should
provide multiple-tissue value.
Monday, 27 December
The Goonies (UTV, 3.20pm) is an above average family adventure film,
as a group of children escape bad guys and search for pirate treasure.
The 1994 live-action version of The Flintstones (BBC1, 3.40pm) should
be worth seeing, if only for the Bedrock 2,000,000 BC sets and the
talented John Goodman.
This seems to be vintage John Travolta day on RTE, as he pops up with
Olivia Neutron Bomb in the dated but engagingly romantic musical
Grease (RTE1, 1.10pm) and again later on in the gritty classic,
Saturday Night Fever (Network 2, 10pm). Network 2 today shoulders the
burden of the Christmas classics, with the obligatory Willy Wonka and
the Chocolate Factory at 11.25am.
If you can't stand one Michael Keaton, then avoid Multiplicity
(Channel 4, 9pm) at all costs, because there are no fewer than four of
him running around in this comic tale of cloning and multiple
personalities.
increasingly rare movie commodity, the good hard-hitting 1981
political drama Missing (UTV, 1.05am), stars Jack Lemmon as a father
searching for his missing son in Chile after Salvadore Allende's
government was overthrown in the 1973 CIA-backed coup.
Tuesday, 28 December
Not-so-modern movies dominate the best of this
post-Christmas-cold-turkey-and-the-last-of-the-pudding-not-quite-next-millennium-yet
day. The Land That Time Forgot (RTE1, 1.35pm), either a satirical
awipe at the Six Counties under unionist rule or a movie with lots of
monsters, fulfills RTE's afternoon obligations. Casablanca (RTE 1,
11.35pm), starring Bogart and Bacall, may be old enough to have hair
on it, but like The Sting (BBC2, 9pm), starring Redford and Newman,
people never tire of watching it over and over.
Wednesday, 29 December
Raquel Welch portrays the harsh realities of life in the stone age,
when fur-trimmed bikinis and spears were all one had to keep the
dinosaurs at bay, in One Million Years BC (Channel 4, 12.20pm).
Uncle Buck (BBC1, 3pm) is an above average comedy starring the late
great John Candy as the overweight uncle who engages in a battle of
wits with his brother's children, while Steve Martin maintains the
comic theme in the big-screen version of Sergeant Bilko (BBC1, 6pm).
Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese's gangster epic (Network 2, 11.10pm), is
perhaps the movie of the day.
Thursday, 30 December
Not much to say really. The big movie of the day is Schindler's List
(RTE1, 9.35pm) starring our own Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley in the
Spielberg adaptation of a true story about a complex character who
saved thousands of Jews from Nazi death camps during the Second World
War. After such a weighty topic, Muriel's Wedding, a hilarious
Australian comedy (Network 2, 12.35am), may be a good way to prepare
for beddie byes.
Friday, 31 December
This promises to be a great day for millennium dissidents like myself.
How to avoid the big non-event at home with a generous supply of
shiraz or Best Belgian beer and lots of food featuring E numbers.
Let's see, now. First step for the refusnik, avoid all the
Hogmanay-extravaganza-we're-on-the-brink-of-something-amazing crapola.
Instead, think pleasant thoughts of Y2K and revellers' planes
plummeting to earth.
I can always whip up some anti-American feelings with the crass ``Life
is like a box of chocolates'' philosophising of Forrest Gump (Network
2, 6.55pm). By the time that's over, my feelings of scornful
superiority will be soaring, so, having ascertained that the
millennium is unavoidable on TV, I'll make sure I have some videos in.
Probably that 1950s' film about the Earth being destroyed by a comet
and everyone fighting over who will get to escape on the only rocket
to the Moon.
Saturday, 1 January
There you all are. It's the Year 2000, depending, of course, on you
being Julian rather than Gregorian (or is that the other way around?),
of Christian origin, and in a country affluent enough to be able to
take time out to worry about such frivolities. And apart from a sore
head, what's different about your new millennium. No, I want you to
say it. All together now. That's right. Shag all!
But I want to end on a positive note, so beir bua, comrades. Remember,
this is the Millennium of Victory!
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