Bah! Humbug! Christmas on the couch
From deep in the heart of the Free State, Seán O'Donaile puts up a
forty foot aerial and tells you what's on TV this Christmas
Christmas is a nuisance for us cynics - noisy kids singing pungent
carols, fatboy getting stuck in the chimney, bottles of Old Spice
that you'd give to the dog, drunks and priests talking of peace,
Auntie Frances leaving her pink lipstick on your collar before
falling into the fireplace from too much gin and the Queen reassuring
us that we're all part of one big happy Commonwealth.
God be with the days when we got a wooden doll with no head and a
bike with wheels that fell off after five minutes (and your da tells
you that Santa must've had a bad elf working for him - but you
overhear him cursing the travellers for charging him a fiver!).
Christmas was the one day of the year we had biscuits (one fancy and
two plain was the annual ration - a fancy had cream or chocolate on
it although the pink ones were debatable), a glass of Coke and a
turkey that lasted till Easter.
We didn't have to pick stones on that day but were dragged out of bed
at all hours to watch drunks falling over the pews and old men
blowing their noses on J-cloths at midnight mass. We all gathered
round the parish priest's black and white telly for Urbi et Orbi,
Billy Smart's Circus and Wanderly Wagon's visit to the Children's
Hospital.
Even republican Christmas cards were less sophisticated - Santa
Clauses with Kalashnikovs in their sleighs and Brit helicopters
shining spotlights over the crib.
In these days of multi-channel land folk demand more and give less -
if you can drag yourself away from your trolley load of Tennants and
blow football here's a few recommendations to keep you awake.
Top Ten Programmes
1. The Simpsons (BBC2/Network 2/Sky One)
What better way to celebrate Yule than with Bart, who plays the role
of the beardy fellow and Homer who gets a tattoo in his stocking.
Tune in for some sanity.
2. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (BBC1, New Year's Day)
A sugar-coated whimsical musical or another name for the peace
process, starring Dick Van Dyke. This at least has a happy ending and
Eoghan Harris has no part in the script.
3. Godfather II (UTV, Christmas Day)
Guaranteed to revive you after knocking over your great grandfather,
this epic gangster movie starring Al Pacino, Robert de Niro and Diane
Keaton, is the pick of the day's programmes.
4. The Bear (Channel 4 Christmas Eve)
If you loved `The Snowman' this is for you - classic cartoon caper,
complete with a new 12 year old singing sensation and no doubt a
happy ending. And all written and drawn by Raymond Briggs who hates
kids.
5. Father Ted (Channel 4, 23 December)
Adding a religious theme to the holy season, Ted and Dougal find
themselves trapped in a lingerie shop with other fun loving priests,
only to be rescued by Cathal Daly.
Watch this if you miss midnight mass.
6. Tales From The Far Side (BBC2)
The wacky but wonderful animation of Gary Larson, brought to the big
screen, for those of you who appreciate his humour. Strange, silly,
but totally addictive.
7. The Wizard of Ozlo (Network 2-New Year's Eve)
Starring David Trimble as the scaredy lion, who was brought along in
desperation more than in hope, Judy Garland probably puts in the
finest performance of her ill fated career.
8. Two Fat Ladies (BBC2, 22 December)
The two eccentric lasses serve up whole pig and rum punch for the
Jamaican Polo Team, and afterwards take a dip in the Carribbean.
9. Mister Bean (RTE1, Christmas Day)
Mister Bean is up to his usual carry on, cynically doing his best to
avoid the hype but making a complete hash of it, again.
10. The Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory (BBC2, 20 December)
Set in Stormont and starring John Alderdice and the other spoilt
brats, all come to no good for their greediness, except for our Gerry
Bucket who wins the day for the good guys - that's us!
Top Twenty Movies
1. Jean De Florette (TnaG, 23 December)
The classic French movie, starring Gerard Depardieu, this combines
love, lust, jealousy, good and evil all in a very French way - not to
be missed.
2. Manon De Sources (TnaG, 30 December)
The equally excellent French flick is a sequel to the above - revenge
is sweet for Yves Montand. If you don't fancy body piercing, there's
plenty other foreign muck to watch!
3. Babe (RTE1, Christmas Day)
What does a cow say?- ``Moo''
What does a dog say?- ``Woof-Woof''
d a pig?- ``Would you get out of the car please?''
One for the family after pulling the crackers.
4. Free Willy 2 (BBC1, St Stephen's Day)
Still on animals, what goes ``clip''?
A one-legged horse!
This is another family movie, which is not too taxing on the brain
after a few whiskies down the local.
5. They Might Be Giants (BBC1, 30 December)
Intriguing stuff, featuring Joanne Woodward, this charts the rise of
Sinn Fein, with guest appearances from Sean Crowe, Martin Ferris and
Pat Doherty.
6. Braveheart (RTE1)
Starring Martin McGuinness, who leads the minnows into battle with
the Saxon foe. Despite setbacks and injuries while playing foreign
games, our swashbuckling hero enters the belly of the beast, 10
Downing St, (on crutches) and saves the day!
7. Father Christmas (Channel 4, Christmas Day)
Alex Maskey is amply compensated for losing out on the Mayoral Chain,
dishing out the goodies, despite the best efforts of the spoilsports
on Belfast City Council.
Hugh Doherty stars in the sequel.
8. A Modern Saint - Mother Theresa (RTE)
Specially dedicated to Larry O Toole, this focuses on the work to
help the poor - ``the poor, the poor they'll always be with us''.
9. Scrooge (Channel 4, Christmas Day)
The Charles Dickens classic brings home the real meaning of
Christmas, with a modern day version starring David Trimble, with a
happy ending not guaranteed.
10. Christmas on Division Street (UTV, Christmas Eve)
The heartstrings are stretched to breaking point in this weepie,
documenting the sorry saga of the unionists with young Jeffrey
reputedly walking off the set halfway through.
11. The Man Who Changed His Mind (Channel 4, New Year's Day)
A Boris Karloff classic of a scientist who can transpose the mind of
one person into another's body.
Eoghan Harris stars in ``this nationalist rubbish'' and rumour has it
that there will be at least five sequels.
12. The Black Hole (BBC1, 28 December)
This sci-fi fantasy is set in Windsor Park, where the free state
troopers travel through a time tunnel to rescue their ``friends'' only
to be told they're not welcome, and the mission returns to D4, where
Captain Myers blames it on all the Provies!
13. Clueless (Network 2, 30 December)
acerbic look at the vacuous lifestyles of nineties youth, John
Bruton leads his merry blueshirts on a mery go round whose only
interests are shopping, matchmaking and co-ordinating their extensive
wardrobes.
14. Dr Bull (Channel 4, New Year's Day)
Ian Paisley carries on where he left off in 1998, as he becomes
enraged by the red rag of the ``scratch me arse socialists'' and the
croppies, who refuse to lie down any more.
15. Pick Up on South Street (Channel 4, 29 December)
A rough diamond of a movie, with sleazy unsavoury characters, with
that great ``friend of republicanism'' Hugh Grant playing as ever the
perfect gentleman.
16. Running Wild (Channel 5, 23 December)
A charming tale of Sammy Wilson and his bare bum adventures in the
bush as the local DUP cumann try to rescue his soul and feed him some
of their favourite food, sliced grape sandwiches.
17. Daleks, Invasion Earth 2150 AD (Network 2, 19 December)
The RUC are finally reunited with their brethern and try to teach the
Fenians some manners, but the Shinners are having none of it.
18. The Sound of Music (BBC1, 20 December)
The Strabane Martyrs Flute Band terrify Dublin yuppies with their Doc
Martens and ``Boys of the Old Brigade''.
Sinn Fein Youth play the ideological children and guess who play the
Nazis?
19. A King in New York (BBC2, New Year's Day)
Starring ``our Gerry'' who wins over all the Yanks despite the efforts
of 5,000 British agents.
The truth wins out here.
20. Lassie: The New Beginning (Channel 5, 29 December)
Finally, in a desperate bid to boost the peace process the British
government install Lassie as the north's First Minister, but all to
no avail as she elopes with Willie McCrea.
Political/Documentaries
Rebellion (RTE - Dec 28th, 29th, 30th)
The three part documentary detailing the slaughter of 30,000 receives
a welcome return.
As Bhaile (TnaG)
This is a revealing insight into the lives of Irish emigrants abroad,
including the Doiminican nuns of Buenos Aires.
Alternative Christmas Message (Channel 4, Christmas Day)
The parents of murdered black teenager Stephen Lawrence give a
refreshing but somewhat downbeat message.
Smashed (Channel 4, 28 December)
earthly reminder of the effects of over-indulgence in alcohol and
the attempts to recover from the disease.
Decisive Moments (BBC2, New Year's Eve)
Photographic images of `98 including Pol Pot on his death bed and the
tragedy of Omagh.
The Clinton Complex (BBC2, 29 December)
The trials and tribulations of Slick Willie as he tries to survive
the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
News Review (RTE1, New Year's Day)
A look back on the stories that hit the headlines in 1998, including
that afternoon in Stormont and the so-called Celtic Tiger roar.
Christmas Turkeys
Des O'Connor Tonight (UTV, 23 December)
Popular among the Newry Cumann, Des blushes when the Spice Girls ask
him about his giblets. Bring back Val Doonican.
Daniel O Donnell Sings Gospel (RTE, Christmas Day)
Daniel sings for his supper, and his wee cup of tea, and his mammy.
Naked Eurovision (BBC1, New Year's Eve)
A behind the curtains look at this awful schmaltz - if anything could
actually be worse than the competition, watching them sing with their
clothes off is just too much.
Ricki Lake (Channel 4, New Year's Eve)
Ricki's guests discuss the question - ``You're too Fat to have a
Lover''. At least the Jerry Springer Show is funny.
Our House (RTE)
As if there weren't enough decorations up already, this includes
republican activist Micheál MacDonncha, who talks about his passion
for wallpaper patterns.
Christmas Crackers
The Outsiders (Channel 4, 20 December)
Nick Hancock follows the progress of the Iranian National soccer team
in France `98, including the stirring victory over their aul' enemy
USA. Go Ayatollah Go!
Year of The Dogs (TnaG, 29 December)
A season in the life of Australian Rules club, Footscray, whose
recent championship record rivals Kilkenny Footballers.
U2 live in Mexico (Network 2, 27 December)
Never mind your Auld Lang Syne - listen to Bono and the lads belting
out 24 of their finest.
Brendan Behan's Dublin (TnaG, 30 December)
A rescreening of the 1968 documentary as the bauld Brendan revisits
his old haunts, which would mostly include brothels and bars, despite
what he tells you.
Coronation Street/Eastenders/Brookside Special.
A must see for the cynics as Beth Lynch runs off with Vera Duckworth
and burns down the Rovers Return, a nuclear bomb lands on Brookside
Close, Grant Mitchell wipes out the entire cast of Albert Square, an
earthquake engulfs Emmerdale Farm and a tidal wave finishes off Home
and Away. Three quarters of our population realise they're living in
the real world and numbers at Sinn Fein rallies increase tenfold. If
only!!. Nollag Shona - Bah Humbug!
(PS - Programme of the year has to be RTE/TnaG's excellent ``Leargas''
an excellent hard hitting series with accessible Irish, well
presented and to the point. Maith Sibh!)
d finally...
Christmas Stocking Filler - Recommended Reading.
John Pilger's ``Heroes'' may not be very Christmassy, but should be
compulsory reading for every secondary school student or new Sinn
Fein member.
It gives a fascinating insight into the international politics of the
last fifty years, most notably the Vietnam War and Cambodia.
It gives an excellent account into the continued decline of quality
journalism and its role in duping the public and a grim history of
Australia.
While somewhat lengthy it is an excellent way to spend one's time if
the pub is out of bounds or you don't like Scrabble or jigsaws.
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