Great Lessons in British doublespeak. No 1690
By Mary Nelis
Now, see here Mo, I resigned from the Masonic Order so people
would believe I was impartial. It's not easy to be a Chief
Constable and not belong to the Loyal Orders. Mind you, I'm still
an ex-officio member and indeed I command a force of loyal
brethren, though the past few years have been really difficult
for the chaps. We all have to wear our sashes under our flak
jackets and where that's not a problem the bowler hats under the
helmets are. Phew.
I digress. What we need to do here is work out a line for the
marching season. We need to sing with one voice, Mo, on all the
3,000 parades. We can't be seen - well, we can pretend that we
may have differences - but we can't be seen in any way other than
fully supporting the Brethren.
You ask why? Good worshipful Master Mo, don't you fully
understand that the Orangemen are our friends, our relatives, our
comrades in arms? Tony recognised that and he said as much when
he visited us a few weeks ago. Remember he said the Union was
safe and the Dublin Government should change the constitution so
that all those nationalist troublemakers would no longer be
second class citizens? They would not be citizens at all.
Tony was only saying what we in the RUC and the Loyal Orders have
been saying for years. Send them all down South. There is no
alternative in our Province to the invincible combination of the
Orange Order and the Unionist Party. It's called the ``Big Drums''
principle, Mo, and it has stood by the union come thick or thin.
No surrender. Not an inch. These are the watchwords of our
democratic society, Mo, so you understand why we need to walk the
Queen's highway 3,000 times each year. Yes, the province has
always led the way in freedom of expression. I mean, can you
imagine what this place would be like if all this stopped?
yway Mo, apart from standing by the Brethren, as a military
man, and a man of considerable intelligence, gained over the
years in the service of the Special Branch, we can bullshit all
we like for the Loyal Orders, but the bottom line is that we
don't want to fight a war on two fronts. It's the unionists we
have to look out for here, Mo. We've always done it.
We have made sure over the years that they were adequately
supplied with legal and illegal weapons. Not that they will need
them this marching season. We can take the pressure off them by
deploying the regulars, you know, the professional army, Mo.
Sure they are only the unemployed and disadvantaged of the UK,
They're dispensable. So no worries there. Mind you, it helps to
get more squaddies out on the field. No, silly, I didn't mean
``the field''. I meant the streets and fields around Garvaghy. It
helps because I want to ensure that my men in Portadown have the
opportunity to walk with their lodge. They can wear their
collarettes underneath their flak jackets.
What will Labour backbenchers say? Well look Mo, old chap, sorry,
Secretary of State, don't concern yourself with these
trivialities. Sure New Labour will do the job just as well as Old
Labour in 1974.
Harold, good socialist that he was, knew the score even then,
though he was buddy buddy with Hume and Fitt. We had advised
Whitelaw that powersharing would not be tolerated. They all knew
at Westminster that we wanted Stormont back. But you know Mo,
there are times when we need to teach parliament a lesson. They
just use and abuse loyal Ulstermen when it suits them. So we were
glad when our friends in the loyalist paramilitaries, the UDA,
were superbly closing down the Province. It was a bonus for us
when the Tories lost power, served them right, and Labour came
in.
You may not recall the Loyalist workers strike, Mo. But when the
loyal workers brought this place to a standstill, they knew they
could rely on the RUC and the auxiliaries in the UDR to
co-operate. Indeed the loyal workers in the power stations kept
the supply on long enough to allow Harold to make the usual
statement of not surrendering to those breaking the law and
intimidating people.
Harold was convincing, Mo. The Labour government of the day
understood the politics of double speak. In fact, Mo, I think you
will be excellent when you need to explain to the nationalists
that when we beat them off the streets and fire plastic bullets
at their heads, it's to prevent them being assassinated by the
more exuberant members of professionally trained death squads.
Look, there's no need to worry. Just remember of course, Ian
Paisley, shrewd politician that he is, said we had only won a
battle and he declared that the war should carry on, which is why
we are having this little problem now, Mo. But I know we can rely
on you to convince Labour fellow travellers of the Taigs, like
Benn and Corbyn, that all this is about preserving the Union and
democracy. You can us the old ``majority decide'' line.
There should be no trouble with the SDLP. Sure we did all this
last year and the SDLP eventually came round to our way of
thinking, which is to blame the IRA for everything. It works Mo,
especially if we can organise a situation where Trimble and Hume
can walk hand in hand in front of the Brethren.
I think Hume would go for it. He's always on about reaching an
accommodation with the two traditions and we can guarantee that
he will tell the Taigs to stay indoors and watch on TV the loyal
Brethren walking along the Queen's Highway, while we knock the
skulls off those who get in the way.
Mo, we have done this before. Our only concern now should be that
nothing we will say or do will damage the British cause, which is
to maintain the Union at all costs.
Of course Bertie will be disappointed but Fianna Fáil had their
chance in `69 and blew it. Me, I'm looking forward to the All
Ireland final, cross border relationships, eh Mo?
Yours,
Ronnie.
![[An Phoblacht]](http://republican-news.org/graphics/title_gifs/aprn.gif)