Republican News · Thursday 9 January 1996

A belated Happy Christmas to the Garda Special Branch. As the rest of the country was preparing for the festivities they were as busy as ever. I was in Sinn Féin's head office a week before Christmas when an old woman came in looking for the Moving Crib. This, believe it or not, is a big attraction in Dublin and draws lots of visitors to St Martin's Apostolate in Parnell Square, just two doors from the Sinn Féin office. It is, I am told, not uncommon for strangers to mistake the brightly lit, welcoming entrance to the Sinn Féin building for a place of religious contemplation.

yway, the woman was redirected to the Moving Crib but as she emerged onto the street she was met by two wise men from the Special Branch. They virtually pinned her to the railings, demanded identification and asked her what she was doing in the Sinn Féin office.

Needless to say, the woman was entirely bewildered. Not that our plainclothes friends noticed. When they eventually let her go she made her way shakily to the sanctuary of the crib. The Branchmen went back to their car, waiting to waylay the next lost stranger.

Two Branchmen were also paid good money to sit outside the Dublin restaurant where the Sinn Féin Press Office team had their pre-Christmas do. The variety of the work and the job satisfaction these Branchmen get is a joy to behold. They sat in their car for hours as the subversives inside plotted the overthrow of the state.

What excitement could Christmas possibly bring after that?

Do you know who Mary Muldoon is? Not many people do. She is an SDLP councillor from West Belfast. A couple of years ago leaflets appeared in the area bearing her photograph and the headline ``Who is this woman?'' They claimed - scurrilously, of course - that her constituents had never heard or seen her since she became a councillor.

Well, this week a Belfast City Hall security man stopped her on her way to a Council meeting.

``Where are you going, madam?'' he demanded.

``Excuse me, I'm Mary Muldoon,'' said Mary Muldoon.

``Who?'' came the reply. ``Never heard of you.''

The fascist British National Party are aiming to stand in 50 English constituencies in the next election. So far, they are all in areas with high ethnic minority populations. Except for two - Aldershot and Hereford. And their claim to fame? They are major centres for the British Army, a natural constituency for the BNP.

ywhere else and David Trimble would be on the wacky end of any political spectrum. His latest idea is that if Scotland were to gain independence the Six Counties would seek union with Scotland rather than England. I wonder has Trimble asked the people of Scotland what they'd think of an alliance with his crazy brand of 300 year-old politics.

First joke of the year. Have you heard about the new Orange calendar? It's marked January, February, March, March, March, March, March....

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