Tiocfaidh ár Telly
Le Sean O'Donaile
IT'S not easy to be cynical about Christmas even if we do have to
suffer Harry Secombe, Prince Charles and their ``chums'' singing
their Christmas carols. It's equally difficult to assess the
revolutionary role of chocolate in the Willy Wonka Factory, so
I'll just have to list my favourites for the festive season, the
weepies, the complete turkeys and the republican film list with
guest star Liam Averill.
Films:
1) Top of the charts has to be the ageless Willy Wonka and The
Chocolate Factory, BBC1 Christmas Day, which has lost none of its
charm since its original screening in 1971. Maybe not the ideal
film if you've consumed too much sprouts and Guinness, but then
again you can readily identify with Agustus Gloop!
2) Speed, RTE 1 Christmas Day, is not about the Branch chasing
you around those back roads, but a rollercoaster of a movie,
starring the gorgeous Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock and ``an bus
scoile'' which doesn't want to stop.
3) La Reine Margot, BBC 2, Christmas Day, is for the subtitle
fans. This 1962 epic is good for calming the house down after
Auntie Mary has walloped Granda over the head with the Monopoly
board.
4) Gone with the Wind, RTE 1, 28th, which is where most of your
money and food has gone, is an old favourite, and at four hours
is an alternative to playing Scrabble with the cousins.
5) Last Tango in Paris, C4, 1st January, starring the mesmeric
Marlon Brando, is a classic, although it might put you off butter
for life.
6) Heat, Sky 2, 24th, finally brings together Al Pacino, Robert
De Niro - the wait was worth it.
7) Once Were Warriors, Sky 1, 27th, is not very jolly but a
powerful portrayal of a broken Maori family in urban New Zealand
- compelling viewing.
8) Raiders of the Lost Ark, BBC 12, 24th, a fantasy adventure
starring the swashbuckling Harrison Ford, will help you count the
minutes `till bedtime, before the hairy fella calls.
9) Babe, Sky 2, 25th, finally gives pigs back their good name.
This delightful movie follows the adventures of a talking pig who
wants to be a dog, and he doesn't even ask you to ``step out of
your car''.
10) Squeezing in at uimhir a deich is Dr Doolittle, C4, 25th, who
wants to talk to the animals, which is not very likely if you've
just eaten one of them.
Republicans Films ag an Nollaig:
At No. 20 is One Million Years BC, BBC 1, 1st, which tells the
tale of Belfast City Council, who wouldn't give money to
Catholics.
In at No 19 is Ken Maginnis in Call My Bluff, BBC 2, 22nd, who,
after much huffing and bluffing, turns up at the ball.
The Royal Family make a surprising entry at No. 18 with 4 Go Mad
in Dorset, C4, 24th.
Joel Patton stars in Wildlife SOS Special, C5, 23rd, which
chronicles the crazed wanderings of the Orangemen, who are
threatened with extinction. This one looks likely to fall.
Caoimhghín and Martin Ferris star in Top of the Pops, BBC 1,
25th, and look set for a further rise from No 16.
At No 15 is Ronnie and His Merry Peelers, who star in Dr Who and
the Daleks, C4, 30th, running about in their tin dummies, causing
much mischief and mayhem.
John Major and the Blue Noses fall to No 14 with The Vanishing
Act, C5, 20th, which follows their summer nightmare.
In at lucky 13 is Martin McGuinness and Gerry Kelly in Ben Hur,
RTE 1, 31st, who heroically race their chariots to victory
against the bad guys.
The Stormont talks make a long awaited appearance at No 12, with
Jurassic Park, RTE 1 25th, although the dinosaurs are slow to
appear.
Pat Doherty and Gerry Adams are at No 11 in Mr Smith Goes To
Washington, BBC 2, 31st, where they foil the attempts of 5,000
British propagandists and win the hearts of the locals.
Hugh Grant, an old Republican, is at 10 with Four Weddings And a
Funeral, RTE 1, 26th, although this was a bit of a blow-out in
the States.
Liam Averill makes his first appearance in a trilogy of films,
with The Great Escape, which BBC are considering showing
instead of the Queen's speech, as a confidence building measure
for Nationalists.
Ian Paisley is not impressed and he comes in at No 8 with Home
Alone, RTE 1, 20th, which follows his exciting adventure as he
foils the attempts of those ruffians who try to take him to
Stormont.
At 7 is Mise Agus Conor, RTE 1, 29th, which is a cover title for
the UK Unionist Party, starring Bob and Conor.
The Muppets Christmas Carol, UTV, 25th, details the valiant
efforts of Kermit Donaldson and his furry friends as they try to
make Scrooge Trimble smile for Christmas.
Tom, Dick and Harry, C5, 26th, or John, Dick and Prunshy, is an
old act, and looks set to fall from grace.
At No 4 is When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, BBC 1, 27th, which
tells the nightmare of Stormont rule over a fifty year period.
The sequel One of our Dinosaurs is Missing, N2, 29th, is eagerly
awaited, where Sammy and the Bare bums are found in the forest.
Gerry and the Peacemakers star at No 3 in How the West was Won,
BBC 2, 29th, following the capture of their lands from Injun'
Joe.
Ice Mummies Frozen in Time is still at No 2, and this is the
charming tale of the Northern State.
Straight in at No 1 is Maghera's Liam Averill, with the double
bill Escape From Alcatraz, Sky, 29th, and Tootsie, where Liam
puts his blue eyes to good use. Watch out for Liam starring as Mr
Pussy at selected venues along the border.
Nollaig Shona a Liam!
Recommended Documentaries:
1) Spré Rosy Ryan, TnaG, 26th - The effect that Ryan's Daughter,
had on the Dingle peninsula.
2) Looking Like Diana, C4, 29th - The change in fortune for three
women who used to earn their living imitating Diana, until her
demise, that is.
3) The Roses of No Man's Land, C4, 25th - The memories of World
War 1 nurses who had to deal with wounded soldiers in the
trenches of the Western Front: for example, Norah Claye; ``If a
soldier had gangrene, maggots were put into the wound and they
ate the gangrene and helped it to heal. That was a shock to see
those nasty little things crawling around inside a man's leg.''
Don't watch this before your dinner.
4) Natural History Night, BBC 2, 27th - A six hour feast of
wildlife treasures including The Bat that Cracked the Frog Code.
5) Storm Over 4, C4, 1st - the controversies that have followed
Channel 4 since its inception in 1982.
6) Smash It Up, C4, 30th - the tracking down of activists and
radicals fifteen years on as they abandon the placard in favour
of the mortgage.
Family Entertainment:
1) The Simpsons' Christmas Special, RTE 1, 25th/Sky, is a must
for all afficianadoes of Bart as the working class hero struggles
for a few dollars more to see himself through Christmas.
2) If you're looking for some late cooking tips, tune into Two
Fat Ladies, BBC 2, 24th, as they rustle up some goose and ice
cream pudding.
3) Channel 4's Fantasy Schedule all night on the 27th as viewers'
choice takes precedence.
4) Watch out for South Armagh's favourites, Tiocfaidh ar La-La
and his buddies in Teletubbies.
5) As Baywatch is the world's most watched programme, it has to
get a mention, but Pamela's not much of a revolutionary.
6) Nappy Christmas with Dustin is a delight for all children,
adults and cynics and just about anyone who doesn't love Pat
Kenny.
7) The Snowman is an old classic and you can catch the fluffy
fellow on Channel 4 on the 24th, before he melts.
8) Father Xmas and the Missing Reindeer is about a nasty UDR man
kidnapping Rudolf, only for Sinn Féin Santa to save the ``lá''.
9) & 10) Wanderly Wagon, Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang, Billy Smart's
Christmas Circus, The Magic Roundabout, and The Champ, none of
which are on this year. Make representations to your local Sinn
Féin Councillor/TD/MP!
Ten Turkeys:
1) For some strange reason Network 2 have resurrected Are You
Being Served, whose main punch lines centre on derogatory
comments about gays and women - not funny!
2) The Des O'Connor Special, is supposed to be on UTV on the
22nd, but I can't locate it. Nevertheless, be prepared.
3) In Oprah and Elton, Sky, 26th, Elton and Oprah will discuss
the joys of Christmas and other such nonsense.
4) Chris De Burgh - Beautiful Dreams Live, RTE 1, 27th. Watch
Chris take time off from extra marital affairs to serve up some
of his classics.
5) If you're still not allowed out you'll have to plan a strategy
to avoid Tom Jones in Vegas, BBC 1, 28th, starring Tom and his
hairy chest.
6) It's time for Cluedo, if you're to miss Invasion of the
Saucermen, BBC 2, 24th, which is about Claremen taking over Croke
Park.
7) If your idea of humour is men pissing into a bottle and
getting someone to drink it, then Dumb and Dumber, RTE 1, 24th,
is for you. But if you're not a rugby player, ask Uncle Jim for a
game of Scrabble.
8) The Queen's Speech, Christmas Day, is one for the bin unless
it's the Maghera Queen.
9) China O'Brien, UTV, 27th, is about a man from China called
Brian who's looking for justice - yeah, right.
10) Finally, if you're still suffering, Daniel O'Donnell Sings
Gospel, RTE 1, 31st, will finish you off - time for St. Conall's!
Music:
- Geantraí, TnaG, 24th.
- Lord of the Dance, Network 2, 2nd.
- Spice Girls, Network 2, 31st.
- Unplugged Oasis, BBC 1, 25th.
- Peter and the Wolf, BBC 1, 25th.
Sport:
- Christy Ring, RTE 1, 25th.
- Gladiators, UTV, 27th.
- Man Utd v Newcastle, Sky, 21st.
- Celtic v Rangers, Sky, 2nd.
Teilifís Na Gaeilge:
- 21u - Geantraí - Ceol traidisiúnta.
- 22u - CU Burn - Sraithdhrama le rogairí ó Gaoth Dobhair.
- - Ole-Ole- Sacair ó Alban agus ón Spáinn.
- 24u - Siar `s Aniar - Iris speisialta ó Bostan.
- 25u - Jesus of Montreal - scannán ó Ceanada.
- 29u - Dhá Chamán - an ceangail idir camán agus shinty.
- 31u - Ceolchoirm ón Oireachtas.
- 1u - El Che - saol Che Guevara.
- - Chiapas - Cuairt clainne ar Chiapas.
Now that I've run out of smart comments about John Bruton,
Unionists and the Royal family, I'll have to return to the 547th
showing of Barney the Dinosaur at my daughter's request - bain
sult as an saoire and get up off that couch!
![[An Phoblacht]](http://republican-news.org/graphics/title_gifs/aprn.gif)